celicaricer999's Xanga

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 08:41:01 GMT

Got back late from work a little amused in a morbid, but curious sort of way. So basically my workplace is near an senior nursing home, and I've noticed something very interesting. Since I tend to get assigned to work on all holidays or days close to them, I'll be there overlapping a little into the next day by 30 minutes or so. When Christmas arrives, I'll notice that there would be an ambulance, fire truck and police that arrive at the senior home about 20 minutes or so after midnight, basically 911 emergency. Same went for New Years this year, as well as today, the day after Valentine's Day. The question is, do people stick around long enough to see that day? In the event of Christmas, is parting from this world a gift? Is there someone greater than us that decides this, or does that person hold out with their will long enough to that point? In the case of today, it seems that it's just long enough to make it through the holiday before parting.
    It's funny (not the death part) that I notice as I get older, I'm less sure about what I believe in. When I was younger, I always seemed to have a set of things that I always held true in my mind and heart. While I do have a better bearing on what I want to do in life, such as getting better at dancing, getting better at cooking, making music, having a successful and chill job, owning a house, getting married, having track day weekends to have some fun, and teaching my kids well, my entire belief system is probably non-existent.
    For example, who remembers when they were a kid that anyone that was way older than them, such as if you were 7 and someone else was 25, they would seem to be all knowing, be good at everything, and could basically be a hero who has no fears about anything in life. Then when you get older, at some point, you realize that they're no different than you, that they have their flaws, and their own fears. In the end, we're all people who are scared, and unsure. Maybe this is a part of becoming more mature and older; Realizing the fact that no matter how sure adults seem to be, it's just a cover for the fears that reside within.
    I guess that's also the fun in life. Not knowing where to go, not sure of what to do, and walking in circles being lost. Life itself is a journey, not a destination, mind as well enjoy the path between the cradle and the grave.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 11:26:03 GMT

Promises, how often do we mean what we say?

When we make appointments, is that considered a promise? Because if it were, that'd be a lot of broken promises in this world. I know that I'm guilty of this on more than one occasion (more like a crapload).

When we agree to meet up at a certain time and cancel later, is that considered a broken promise?

When we make new years resolutions, but never follow through with them, do we call those broken promises to ourselves?

When we say, "I promise", how often do we break that?

For me, I started a new way to hold myself accountable for whenever I make a serious promise beyond a "hang out that falls through" , or "I'll send my notes at 5pm" type of thing. Instead, it's more like "I'm going to be super serious and take on the new quarter with all I've got. No drinking, no partying for one entire month." Every time I make a promise to myself, I make it on my titanium chain and ring. It's not just a style accessory, but a way to remind myself, "I promised". Titanium, because, it's one of the strongest metals, and I want my promises to have that same strength to carry through. Titanium can be scraped, but is resistant to being broken or bent. As such, no matter the difficulties, the scrapes and bruises, I don't want to bend either. As to the latest promise of not drinking/partying for one month, I got it right down to the day, hour, and minute exact. No "well it's close enough" 's for me. While I could say, "I'm going to get an A in ______ class", that isn't exactly realistic, since I could study, but maybe my ability isn't A-class. Instead, I'd rather say "I'll do my best, put my best effort in it, and whatever the outcome, I promise that I'll be satisfied knowing that it was my all."
So what exactly would I promise on it next? Maybe, to learn one new skill, and pick one skill that I already know and improve on it. That would be a 100% new years resolution if i do promise it.

Quote of the Day: At the end of the day, the only person who decides to keep a promise is oneself.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 03:47:12 GMT

Ok, so a late new years post by me, or right on time for lunar new year. Goals for this year include the usual. Work on dancing, music, car, and cooking. In addition, I want to pickup one new skill for this year.

Since everyone seems to be doing 25 things, I'll do 5 questions 5 things since I'm on a tight schedule.

5 questions

1. If someone gave you the chance to have any ability you want at the expense of 1/2 of your remaining time in the world, would you do it?

2. Would you be a Jedi or a Sith?

3. What type of vehicle do you envision yourself driving at age 35?

4. Do you believe that opportunities always exist, they just need to be found?

5. Did you ever think when you were in grade school (let's say 4th grade), you would be where you are and who you are here and now? Where did you envision that you would be in your life and who did you think you would become back then?

5 Things About Me

1. I always aspire to reach a higher level of cooking. There are some days where I'll just heat soup, but eventually I'll end up in the cullinary mood. Even though I like cooking/food, I absolutely dislike working in the food industry as a job.

2. I love watching Disney movies. There's a lot that I get from it now, more than before when I was younger.

3. Commitment is not an issue. Ie. I already know exactly how I want to propose. (2 of my roommates know the details.)

4. I'm more of a dinner and wine guy, but that doesn't mean that I can't pound 8 shots of Hennessey, no chase.

5. I used to put "quote of the day"'s down on the very end of every blog.

Quote of the Day: The root cause of fighting is misunderstanding.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:34:00 GMT

Yeah, it's been a while since I've written a blog here on xanga, but I'm back.

Don't know why the parentals fight more over the Christmas break. It's not like buying stuff is stressing them out, because we don't even buy anything. If there's one thing that i might miss about college after it's all over, it'll be having a place to get away from it all. In either case, I'm old enough to endure it. It's just awkward, and furthermore, it just makes me wonder about my future. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to argue like that and make my kid(s) feel awkward about being at home. It was sort of like that last year, and it's starting to feel just the same. Perhaps I should start going to work more. Less time at home, more outside the house. It's also the reason why I love headphones. If anything, it's my isolation from the world because all I hear is the music that flow from the wires and into my ears.

Voices and Beats

I listen to the beats
I listen to the voices
But these voices and beats
they do not come from around me
no
Beats and voices from wires
As they flow from this thinness
the voices soothe me from the voices
And the beats masks the nervous beating of my heart
____________________________________________________

Honestly, there's a few things that I wish for this Christmas, one would to have it be peaceful at home. Another thing is what I've wished for ever since I was in preschool and 4 years old. I wish for the essentially the same thing every Christmas and every birthday.

Whoever said wisdom, patience, and maturity comes with age probably hasn't visited this house before.

And so with everything that's happened, and for what I still hope, I realize that a lot of what I do is inspired
-drawing/sketching
-photoshopping wallpapers (I used to do this, maybe I'll go back to it one day)
-composing songs and singing
-writing lyrics and poetry
-photography
-playing online games
-working on my car (it's a way to get out of the house, and since I could get my driver's license, it's been my symbol of freedom. With it, I could go far, far away and escape it all.)

Probably the decision that I'm most proud of this year is switching my major from Biochemical Engineering to Hydrology. Looking back on previous blogs, I really believe that it was the right thing to do. I wasn't really that interesting in that topic, and I wasn't doing very well in that topic either. If I had stayed, I probably would've failed out of UC Davis. In any case, I'm really enjoying what I'm doing now. Guess when you're young, certain things you do or have interest in tends to carry with you all your life. In some form or anotherm everything on that list and my major all had some form that it sprouted from when I was younger. I don't think any of it just "appeared".

With that, I think this will be my year in closing blog. Maybe there'll be another.

And with that, I leave a quote of the day, just like I used to.

Quote of the Day: What is love?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 12:32:05 GMT

Everything is alright now. Sigh, can't it just be peaceful all the time? I desire peace.

As of now, the other two posts will become private here on xanga.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 09:36:45 GMT

I think in life, we each get our chances to shine. We all have our moments that can either be used to make an impact, or we can simply let those opportunities pass us by and fade quietly into the past. I always wanted to believe that I took each opportunity and made the best of it. I feel like as if we’re given these tests in life. Regardless of how we respond, they serve as a magnifying glass to our own personality, character, and our soul. They don’t necessarily change us one way or another, but rather amplifies our true nature ten-fold or one hundred-fold.

Having worked in the service industry for a while, the world is filled with so many types of people. There’s people who are rushing around following the rat race, those who are angry at others, ones who are kind, ones who are strange, ones who regret how they’ve lived their lives, ones who are completely satisfied with what they’ve done, and so much more. Under normal circumstances, our personality can simply blend into the flow of the world quite easily. However, under extreme circumstances or what I like to call “tests”, there’s no escape from showing who we really are. At times like these, we are completely open and people can closely examine who we are. It’s times like these where we’re vulnerable because it’s so much more difficult to hide behind a fascia and protect our inner selves. It’s also times like these where we tend to reveal more about ourselves. Because of that vulnerability, we may try to defend ourselves, but it’s also obvious that we’re simply responding because we feel that vulnerability and can’t think of any other way of protecting ourselves besides becoming defensive. Think about it. Below that thin layer of defense is our true selves. The difficult situations in life have already cracked our protective shell. Whether we decided to open up or try to seal that opening up is completely by our own choice.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 08:21:14 GMT

Gah, stupid xanga didn't save what I wrote. Ok so I'll just have to retype everything to the best of my memory.

I wonder sometimes if everything that I've experienced up until now would completely change me if all of it was completely different. Sometimes I think about whether if I never really had to deal with having noticable acne for the last nearly 10 years of my life if my attitude and personality would be a far cry from what it is today. Would I behave in the same way, have the same values system? Would I have the confidence and insecurity issues that I have now or would I just be arrogant? So in the last year, my acne has gotten worse, then better. Definitely left a bit of scarring, but after I started to monitor my diet and completely cutting out greasy, spicy, or anything with hydrogenated oils in it, most of my acne has started to disappear. It's definitely all those chemicals and stuff I think in my case. Also just being more relaxed helps in general too.

I guess at some point I have to do a recap of frosh college year. I don't think I wrote any up to this point so I guess that's in order. Every other year I've done one of them so I should owe it to myself at least to summarize it. That will probably be in another entry. I'm just getting back to things that I used to do at the moment and getting back to things that I've left on the back burner for the last few years.

Quote of the day: (Man I haven't done these in a while) In order to fully appreciate {^_^}, one must know {T_T} and OTL (OTL is not Out To Lunch in case you tried Googling it).

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 08:37:56 GMT

Almost 2 months since the last blog. I haven't forgotten about my xanga. Life is always so confusing. Right when I think I've figured out who I am, everything changes so quickly. And now, I'm asking myself again, "who am I?" After Preschool, kindergarten, grade school, middle school, high school, and now a year of college, I'm still puzzled as to who I am. I'm somewhat the same and yet there are so many things different now. To say that over the years, trying to just be comfortable with who I am was already a challenge. What do I do that is just me covering my emotions and what is it that I really feel. It's funny, I think I've gotten to the point where I can even fool myself pretty well now. Once again, I feel so foreign, so out of place from myself. For sure I've identified myself with ideas/things over the years. Grades were a big part of it, and my Supra is a big part of me right now. I love anime, cars, video games, play tennis, feel that I'm pretty much "just a nice guy", and have an overall enjoyment for music and drawing. Thinking about it just seems to put me deeper into the hole of thought. The more I contemplate, the farther down I'm in my thoughts to a point where it seems like I'll never escape. I guess I'll pick this back up in the morning, even though it already is sort of 'the morning' already. It's nice to be back and just speaking my mind.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Mon, 07 May 2007 07:18:05 GMT

I'm back. Almost completely well from a week of being sick.

So, I'm allergic to hydrogenated oils (and partially hydrogenated oils). Over the last 2 or so months, I've been experimenting to see if it affected my acne. Basically everytime I eat something with it, I start breaking out. When I stop eating stuff containing it for 3-4 weeks, my acne almost disappears, presuming that I get enough water in my body. For a brief explanation of what hydrogenated oils are, it is a process in which oils are modified so that they will preserve better than untreated oil. Know how some foods with oil in them taste funny after being kept for a while? Modifying the oil helps to prevent that stale taste. I haven't even gotten to the worst part about it. Basically what this means for me is that I can't eat most candies (chocolate, Starbursts (one of my favorites, or was) as well as snack items like Grahams crackers, Pocky, a large variety of cereals, a lot of packaged foods, certain ice creams, and likely a lot of fast food items as well since they fry them in hydrogenated vegetable oils. On the bright side, it means eating a lot more healthy. Fruits both fresh and dry, mochi, natural chips, or even soups.

Totally agree with this web blog post by Johnny Ngo http://www.xanga.com/JonnyNgo/588935442/death-of-the-love-song.html What ever happened to those kind of songs lately on the radio? I can watch asian dramas or anime and they're there, but on American media, it's less and less apparent. It really does suck for the hopeless romantics nice guys/gals, in the environment of today's society. I hate myself for playing fairly, for not being able to cheat to get ahead in what a lot of people consider only a game, for thinking about and putting others ahead of myself, for always being on the outside looking in, for not being able to escape this curse. And yet, I still think that in the end it'll be all worth it. Worth all the moments of wanting support, but not getting any, all of the walls and no open doors, all the disappointments, all of the pain, all of the times staying up late wondering "is there someone out there just for me?", all of those nights listening to love songs, those nights watching anime and dramas and wondering "what if?", all of the ego crushing, all of the torn pride, and above all else, losing hope.

I was really worried about academics for most of winter quarter and about 1/2 of spring quarter until the first round of midterms. In the end, everything worked out. I might not have gotten A's or even solid B's across all of my classes, but I made it a few points over the mean average 49% vs 44% avg. I was worried about calculus and not getting anything of what the professor has been teaching and then for Chem, barely getting a C. Physics, I got a 91% yet for some reason, it still came out to a B. As of now, I have not idea about Atmospheric Science, but all I know is I did learn something in the end from all the classes. Even with all that, I don't think I'm disappointed at all, because I did what I'm capable of. I can't really be anyone else but me, so why should I pretend?

All in all, I get the feeling that everything will work out in the end. Academics, future job, wonderful wife, and great kids. If just judging by present, I think I can believe that the future will work out, because I've had 4 near death experiences and yet I'm still here, which means I still have a purpose.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 03:59:34 GMT

*rant sorta on classes, with a little bit of criticism, sarcasm, and comedy mixed in*

Didn't feel like I did too well my the Chem midterm yesterday. 50 min is sort of on the short side for taking an exam. Hadn't done that in nearly 5 years. Had block schedule ever since high school and all classes were 90 min long. Ah another unassuring thing for my Calc 21 (engineering series on sequences and series with tests on convergence/divergence) C course is that 1. the professor is a math major (ok so no big surprise), 2. It's his first time teaching the material (big uh-oh) and explains it with tons of techical jargon instead of laymans terms. 3. when someone asked why natural logarithm was log on the board instead of ln, the professor responded "who uses log base 10 anyways, well unless you're an engineer or something."? (So basically log = log base e, which is ln.) The kicker? The course is designed for engineers and he practically dissed about 95% of the class. 4. he says "well, this is a beyond the scope of the class" at least once every lecture and spends a good 10+ min talking about some theorem that applies to math majors (like 0% of the class). What a waste of time (especially for engineers since it's not efficient at all.) 5. at the end of each lecture he says "well, I diverged from the course syllabus a bit, but I'll try to cover that next time." (uh, how much time have we spent diverging? Guess the value to this Calc 21C series as time (t) increases from 0 to infinity causes the value to diverge indefinitely. (essentially, going to class and spending time there has no point besides starting at some topic and diverging from it by the end of lecture. It's not even a "interesting event" topic but on how interesting a certain series is.

*reflective blog*
All in all, I wonder if I belong in the engineering field. Most of the courses are getting harder by a bit now and I feel like I'm falling behind from the top. Then again I've sorta gotten used to being 2nd. Being a backup, attempting to do a large portion of some sort of project and staying behind the scenes. Getting B's instead of A's, being 2nd choice. Think about it, even my car (87-92 Supra Turbo) is considered 2nd in comparison to the 93-98 Mk4 Supra Turbo (popularized by movies, magazines, etc). Color silver (car color) is 2nd in rank compared to gold (somewhat like olympic medals bronze, silver, gold.) Maybe it's just of late that I'm realizing it and coming to accept the fact. Interesting fact, I score as a Type 2 main Enneagram Test type somewhat related to INFJ Meyers Brigg-Jung personality type that I also score. For a long time, maybe it's also from the stereotypical Asian upbringing that one's expected to be 1st, to be the top, to win. Oddly, lately my parents don't really seem to mind too much or put an extreme amount of emphasis on grades but rather satisfaction that I get out of life. It doesn't bother me as much anymore that I might end up being in the shadow of someone else. Basically find what I enjoy and that I'm good at, and push my full potential. Somewhat like what I'm doing to my 87 Supra. As much as it's overlooked by people, I want to be able to make it's full ability shine through. At least that's the metaphor that I sort of see it as right now. Hell, I even have a slightly laggy but exponential learning curve. Slow to start, but once I get going, it just picks up faster and quicker (kinda like a turbo car). Maybe I'll rethink about my major a little bit. I'd love to spend my time working on cars as a job and as a hobby as well. I'm a little bit weaker on the math side, science I'm pretty well equipped for that. Making videos are pretty fun as well (visual communication).